Out of the blue...
Just as my title suggest, suddenly feel so tired but the urge to blog. Argh... it seems that I have many things weighing on my mind but yet I find it hard to pen down. Probably it is hovering in my brain but not clear enough to be express in words.
Since the beginning of Jan, I have told myself it will be a different year this time round! This is because as compared to previous years, I have came up with resolution this year and I am persistent to achieve my goals! Last year was considered a fruitful one as I have many accomplishments in my life. I enjoyed and worked hard last year and so I was rewarded with a fair bonus and make new friends! haha... my very first bonus for the past 2 years! =)
As for this year, my resolutions consist of a wider coverage beside work. Hmm... of course work still comes as high priority, health is on par and so are my family & friends! This year I had joined another company though I did have the intention to stay on at my previous work place but $$ is always a tempting factor! haha... nobody will ever think $ is enough! At my new place, it was kinda directionless and lost at times but slowly I pick up the pieces and try my best! Also the people seem hostile at first but slowly everyone looks quite ok. No matter how tough it is going to be, I am determined to perform at my best in every single task to impress and most important gained the satisfaction! The achievements & accomplishments that I have derived from work is the only motivation that keeps me going!! I had read a book last month regarding about the different perspective of men & women at work and it talks about what women need to know in order to play like a man & win like a woman! I totally agree that a work place is forever a work place & a colleague is forever one, it will never upgrade to friend cause if that happens, conflicts will surely arise and its time you say sayonara again! Hence, this time round, I practise what was in the book!
Health, a vital concern this year! I have fallen sick for the entire jan, was down with flu, toothache (though might not be health related), follow by infections. The last was the worst as I was on mc for 3 days that set my first record!! I recalled that I have only fallen ill twice last year and was not so serious as compared to this time whereby I was down with fever and keep vomiting and its such an awful feeling! Totally SICK man!! I feel like as if I am half dead!! Since then I told myself, I need to build up my resistance against the virus!! The so call benefit was to lose weight but definitely I had gained back cause I couldnt miss the yummy food that is within my reach! haha.. my office is located almost at the central to all the delicious food center!! haha...
The lists goes on and on... amoy, maxwell, tanjong pagar mkt... If you have work in that vicinity before, you will be familiar with the top selling food and long queues during lunch hour!!
Family, hmm... preparing for a trip this year just as usual. We have sort of decide on korea but not so soon as I have just kick start my career and really hope to fully concentrate and settle down first. Thus, we are still in the process of discussing and fixing the auspicious date whereby all of us can make it!! Yeah, also I hope to spend more time as compared to last time and thus, weekend is usually a family day for me! Been to shopping, authentic korea food at bkt timah area and also went chinatown with my family! Its great to be able to go out even though we are adults cause its kinda rare to see kids going out with their parents not to mention adults like us! haha...
Also, was chatting with a friend that time and he made me realized how fortunate I am to be so close with my family!
So what about friends? Well, hope to expand my social circles and this time round I went speed dating! haha... Couldnt really remember was it last year dec or this year jan but a different experience! It all started with my buddy, angel who was starting up this speed dating events with her friends and of course I am her die hard supporters! Thus, I volunteer myself and also take it as a chance to get to know more people. I realize in this world there are really various kind of people! It was raining cats & dogs that day! haha.. but we manage to find the isolated coffee house and kinda settle down at a row of long tables & seats. Since its suppose to be a friend making session, we are seated in alternate with ladies & gentlemen. Lucky for me the guy infront of me is kinda friendly and we clicked! So we started talking while eating our cakes & drinks. Then comes the 5 mins speed dating, core activity of the day whereby ladies were seated in a row and guys all number to seat infront of each lady and shift clockwise every 5 mins! haha.. its kinda fun as the 5 mins is torture if the guy is boring/irritating & too short if the guy and you does clicks! Definitely, in summary there were a disgusting & irritating guy who pestered me & my frenz to dinner and that really scared us off! We ran away with the help of my friend who is the organizer! haha...
Supposingly during the 5 mins, we are supposed to comments & take note of interested parties but I was totally sitting there and chatting! haha... after the session ended, we have the choice to opt for more than 1 guy to keep in touch. Initially, I did not tick any but then I thought of the only 2 guys who are normal to me and can click! Well, I am not saying the rest are abnormal but definitely not my type of frenz! So after the event, what the organizers did was to compile the result and informed us of our mutual match and its up to us to keep in touch! Well surprisingly, I have 2 mutual matches and they did drop me a mail so we started chatting through msn. Hmm.. my buddy the organizer keeps asking me how I feel about them especially one of them is her friend who she intend to introduce to me last time but never got the chance! haa.. Well, frankly speaking, I can only say no such chemistry, definitely need to be friends first.
Yesterday met the other guy for dinner arranged by angel. Though she didnt say it, its so obvious she is trying to create opportunities for us to interact. Weirdly, this guy doesnt exchange no. with me like the other. Guess he prefers privacy and also he seems secretive to me and my first impression of him was he is reserved and quiet. However, I find him quite alright and chatty yest and that could be because my fren is there and he feels more comfortable! Anyway, I heard from my friend he is very careful cause he is searching for a life partner and that makes me wonder even if we only have the fate to be friends, so be it. Let nature takes it course, dont have to be so strict on oneself! haha...
Talking about commitment, I realized I do get frighten if someone tells me I am his life partner! Probably, I still do not feel like settling down but been to 2 weddings last year and I do envy my frenz! haha... Well, its not easy to find a life partner as compared to a boyfriend. Recently, the other friend of mine who has been participating been asking what are the criterias I looking for in a life partner! Actually, its a tough question man! I really have no idea though usually we do dream of our ideal partners but when facing reality, I am dumbfounded!
Gotta believe in myself!
Its tough, so difficult that I am gasping for breath every single minute racking my brain, making a decision!
Whenever the year is ending, I have mixed feelings. My contract is ending soon in dec and its another round of decision making for me! I have went for interviews, rejected offers and still I am stuck! I have no idea whether my decision is right and I know that I have to be responsible for them! Its so stressful and I feel breathless, I need more air, more space, more time, plenty brain cells....
Its a total reverse situtation as compared to the time when I first graduate. Job hunting was tough, every interview is a precious opportunity, hearing no new is common and demoralizing. I have been devastated various time, feeling down and getting upset with myself for not being good enough, not outstanding enough such that no one let me in to their door.
However, this time round, I should be happy cause I have been contacted for interviews even without me applying for them. Opportunities came knocking on my door, I am spreading my wings of confidence! The first time I feel that I am important, outstanding and I am overjoy. I know that every hard work that I have put in each job is paying back, I see my profile strengthening! At this point of time, I completely feel I am capable & my confidence level shoot up! But why am I still not happy or am I just being fearful?
I got too many on my plates that they become a headache as I can only choose ONE! I have offer from a prestige company and my existing company is continuing my service. In addition, more interviews on the way but time being the important factor does not give me sufficient time to explore more before a decision is made. I need to give an answer today. I made the decision and decided to move on and accepted the offer! IS IT RIGHT, I keep asking myself!
What can I ask for when it is giving me my expected though its still contract. However, I think human are greedy! I am afraid that there will be better opportunities and somemore they are permanent positions! Beside that, I have been so used to what I am doing and I am happy with my existing environment, my colleagues except my pay! I do not know if I am fear of leaving my comfort zone. I am worried that I have been too rash and made the wrong decision! My mind is spiraling and I feel as if my head is exploding soon!
I need advice and an answer to whether I have chose the right path! Nobody can give me a definite answer! Discussions with family, friends, myself, trying to convince myself! Is it RIGHT? Is it RISKY? Is it what I wanted? Are you sure? .... all these questions just keep rovering around my mind! I am exhausted, feel like giving in, give in to fate to decide for me! I wanted to end my pain and headache with the answer from tossing a coin! However, I know its not right, its foolish and that is why I gotta rack my brain!
Cool down... i told myself. I should believe in myself, my own decision. Even if I did make a wrong decision, I can always learn from it cause I am still young! EXPERIENCE & CHANGES are my teachers in order for me to grow. If I do not give it a try how do I know if I can unleash my potential in the new industry. I have moved from companies of different industries and every beginning seems daunting to me but each process is challenging and satisfying each time I move each stumbling block infront of me! So why and what should I worry! I have overcome each and every obstacles! I CAN DO IT! I BELIEVE IN MYSELF, MY DECISION!
Self-Improvement...
Yeah, it has been quite a while since I blog. Months ago were like hell & heaven for me! Well, how shall I put it but anyway, it was fun, anguish, excitement, pride, satisfaction, mixed feelings.... Definitely, it has to do with my personal life & yesh as usual my career! Since I graduated 2 years ago, career has always been my main worry! I have been trying to get myself comfortable and happy with what I am doing and probably stability! However, it seems that my career path is as shaky as ever, always hit by rocks no matter how hard I try to avoid! Although I am still grumbling, moaning, upset with it, I have got used to it! Its not a good thing though and definitely I am looking for ways to improve my life! Stability was one thing I always look for in a career but I have never found it and through the past retrenchment that could probably still be ongoing now changed my views! There isnt anything that is constant, everything is everchanging, as an individual, I have to keep going, upgrading myself, move faster than the current before it swept me off my feet!
My existing work space is totally different from my previous one though its still as political as usual for almost all organization! In terms of job scope, I am exposed to more programming where I can get my rusty java, jsp brushed up and understanding the design and use of EJB and J2EE. Beside that, I can never run away from documentation and implementation & testing which I really detest! However, I did whatever I can to learn & hoping to gain more experience, seeing that my profile gets beautify to increase my market values. I try to tolerate people who are making things difficult whether it was deliberate or not and I am learning from past experience to handle people in a different way. Also, I have been telling myself not to be raged easily at the slightest provocation though I gave in to it once. Since then I have been reflecting myself and learning the right way to communicate, to have a more enjoyable working time.
I was really getting my satisfaction when one of my teammate was on honeymoon leave as I was trusted with the core modules of his tasks. I made full use of time to understand and resolved problems that cropped up! Longer working time doesnt matters to me even though I slogged & OT more than usual, the hard time spent was worth it and I totally feel energetic & engrossed with it! It was the harsher, tougher but most enjoyable & satisfied period spent! I always hope to be entrust with bigger responsibilities as I want a chance, an opportunity to prove my capability! I do not want to be an ordinary worker who just take up routine & mudane tasks! I want a more fulfilling life which I can look back and SMILE whenever I revisits the successful moments of my life! I am experiencing more setbacks and my goals seem to drift away from me the more i pursue them!
Now I feel kind of lost as I feel that I am not the core of my team, there isnt anything that I am in charge of particulary that I can call what is mine! However, I came to realize that its not about holding onto something but making sure that I am flexible and adaptable in everything in a vibrant environment right now. Sometimes, I feel that its the organization management style that makes one rigid and how one should be reacting and get themselves out of the sticky situation not blaming why was it like that! People only know how to grumble, point fingers easily at almost anyone, anything but not oneself!
Yesterday, I was angry, depressed & upset with myself. Why do I always fall into the victim situation! Being junior in the team was difficult, I feel as if my team mates are hard to handle, almost impossible to communicate! I was blamed for something which I feel unfair about but I cant do anything because he was senior, he is technically strong, as compared to me, he is the pillar of the team, the technical lead. As such, my leader "respected" him and do not clash with him for making things difficult with the technical lead as it is equivalent to landing himself in a pool of sticky mud! I was upset but I kept quiet and went off alone to let myself cool down. I know that rash & impulsive action will only make thing worst though I was filled with anguishment! I kept wonder why do I have to suffer in silence, why am I always the only one who always step on the nails, why why why! A lot of questions just rovered around my mind and kept me pondering!
Whenever I feel down, I compared myself with my peers and feel that life have been easy for them, troubles never look for them but me! My perspective changed after I cool down, I think its unfair but I never know what downs they have went through though I still take them as my competitors to push me forward. So yesterday, I picked up few self-improvement books and the one that I am reading is by Mark I. Rosen, "Thank you for being such a pain, spritual guidance for dealing difficult person". Though I had just read the 1st chapter, I gained alot. I understand that difficult people are what we perceived as when their actions, words make us feel uncomfortable! I do agreed that as different people have their own perspective, things that they do become inexplicable to us. Hence, disagreement & conflicts inevitably arise and our first impression was why did he or she always make things difficult for me. We should be looking at it at another angle and life will be different.
It changes my perspective and I do agreed that difficult people are teachers for us who pushed us through our resistance which we would fail to otherwise learn. We can actually see our flaws from them and remodel ourselves making us a better person. Currently, I take them as challenges post to me, to give myself the chance to understand, to reflect, to learn, to change to be a better person when I see myself in the mirror! A stubborn person who is resistant to change and firm with only their beliefs will not improve for he or she will remain status quo as he or she is now. Hopefully, my readers will gained from it too though I am not an author nor do I want to influence the thinking of individual but to get the message across on how to make yourself enjoy what is call real life!
Now I'm STRONGER!!!
Feeling bored yet getting stuffed up with matters in my little brain, I decided to pen down my thoughts... Its been 2 mths plus since I am with my existing company! It was kinda fresh and exciting on the first week but tings seem to gets boring as what i hae been working on is kinda routine and oso my teammates seem unfamiliar with one another though they noe each other for at least 2 yrs!! Things seem weird and I am quite emotional this year probably due to the clash with TAI SHUI!! haha.. I gets upset easily when I sense unfriendliness in my environment, it started with no lunch khakkis, team doesnt seems cooperative, blah blah....
Sense of achievement achieved and self-compliment felt when I managed to set up my own environment but frustration sets in when I dun understand certain configuration nor the mechanism of the system and even though I was refered to a supposingly "kind" colleague but the help I get from was actually nothing but "Please read more on .... and you will come to understand!!" haha... its as if I am seeking the air for answers which came from my own echo!!! What a funny feeling!! So I told myself not to give up, try, try, try,... you can do it, calm down, cool mind works where angry mind does no help!!! And I slowly got my answer from goin thru all ups and downs and the satisfaction is much greater as compared to if I seek help from pple!! From then on, I told myself, I muz be persistent in whatever I do, I can do it if I want to!! Since then, I gained my confident whenever I solve my own problems and I become much independent!! Guess I hae to thank those "helpful" pple who "encourage" me to turn despair into energy!!!
However, things do change when time passed!! I am brightened up when few colleagues offered me to join them for lunch rather than be pushed to some pple who I hae no common interests nor topics to talk about!! The most upset was I feel like a ball when my team mates seem to push me to one another!! Common, I am adult not kid, I dun hae to be under your special care since your hae your own khakkis and I never hae the intention to break up a circle that I dun belong to!! Guess I cant blame them since they muz be defensive whenever there's new colleagues for its natural and intuitive that pple feel and react when they hae additional competitors!! These stressful working environment is a reality of society so I dun blame them though I was upset initially! However, I hae my own khakkis now! Though I do not really like my desk coz its located juz near the door, I feel like a guard, open door for pple who knock on it!! haha... and the worst was I am isolated from the world, what the hell man!! Why isnt there any internet then I realized I have to apply for it and when I could surf net, the feeling was fantastic, I jumped out from the well and start to sings and bump around on the green grass!!! haha...
Definitely, things get better when I cleared the air and work on the part assigned to me, new pc came which replace my antique pc and pple seem to be more friendly though some are still hostile and I realize there are lotsa of loners there!! Wondering if its the culture there!! haha... However, its quite happening at my new place as compared to my old working environment! There were certainly much more activities ongoin, it came with bdae celebrations for some colleagues in the mth of jan, then the recent event was TB! haha... motive was to bond and get us moving in the direction of the organization!! Fun though games werent that challenging and definitely tiring!! haha...
But certain downs came when I heard about ... unless more ... to support!! Quite depressed and feel devastated for its juz the beginning for me... But new opportunities make me persist on and I told myself once again, I am not goin to be easily defeated no matter how many times i have to try, suffer...!! I dun mind goin thru all pain and finally see fruits bear from my effort!! Its a kind of satisfaction!! haha... Tomolo's another new beginning, no despair, no slacking, nothing bad but great tings will happen to me and I believe that!!! Dun ever tink of putting me down and even if u did tat, dun be happy, I will pick myself up and I definitely gets stronger!!! You will fail to find the word "weakling" in my dictionary, so dun bother!!! HAHA... its juz a matter of time that I will become unbeatable!
Its RAINING!!
Rain Rockz!! Life brightens up with him... :)
batTLing is 0ver,....FiNaL d3cIsi0nz Mad3...
As what my title suggests, I have made an important decision today. I have accepted the offer! Feel so happy and definitely looking forward to it! Hopefully, I did the right thing. Currently, I am left about 1 mth+ b4 my existing contract expires. It seems long but not that short either. Ha.. Actually, what has been bothering me revolves around my work, salary, benefits, recognition..., etc. Feel that it’s such a letdown that last week I actually start applying for jobs and finally, I got shortlisted for an interview this monday! When I first receive the call, I am delighted and surprised! I had applied for java developer position and was shortlisted for System Analyst position. There were question marks bubbling above me.. But I came to realize it is better and I have bucked up and prepared myself this round. "I do not want to be a letdown this time!", I told myself.
When I was a fresh graduate, I experienced the hardship finding a job, I sent out more than a hundred applications, received only few calls after few weeks and did not get through. That period was demoralizing and depressing that I think I did suffer from depression! I feel so upset and crossed with myself tat time!! I wonder what is wrong with me, am I stupid or bcoz I am not honours?? !! I begin to realize that the experience, the technical knowledge and most importantly LUCK! Yes, I lacked the luck!! Almost all my interviews that I went for had technical tests and there werent simple for me!!! I must admit that I should brush up my technical and also my soft skills!! Each time I went for interviews, I felt butterflies in my stomach, I speak like an idiots without thinking!! That was what had resulted in a low morale and depressed me!! After which i finally got a job, I was overjoyed! But to my disappointment, my current boss doesn’t appreciate us which left me no intention to stay on. I signed without hesitation!!! I am so damn determined to venture out and strive hard for it!! I do not care about the risk I am taking. Anyway, I do not suffer any loss! I am not going to be the timid and no confidence me again!!
Talking about contract renewal, I am damn crossed. We talked to her on Tuesday and throughout the conversation, I realized that she doesn’t really have the intention to persuade us stay. She said the market outside is good now and things like she noes of project that is not under her but giving more, etc. Common, we are discussing about our new contract and we have gave valid reasons why 6% is so little. What makes me happy was that we have provided sound reasons that she is dumbfounded!!! Me and flo were almost shooting her and her best frenz!! No wonder she asked her best fren to tag along in case she lose to us. S seems more keen to make us stay than her. Somemore she is PM and when I purposely ask her about the possibilities of us getting convert to perm, she gave a very direct and frank answer that it is impossible!!! That’s hurtful and the worst was when she tried to cover up and argued y he was converted to perm!! He is more hardworking and blah blah… That’s all lame excuses and it never gets into my ears at all!! We all worked hard to get the project running, we toiled and slogged and that was for nothing!! I was totally convinced that she is practicing favouritism!!! The discussion ended with her saying: “I will tried my best but it is quite impossible….”. Then yesterday, she called us to send her our resume updated with our existing job scopes!! Thought she is fighting for us??? Why does it seems like we are fighting for ourselves juz that she acts as the messenger???!!! This made my blood boiled!
Now, this time round, lady luck is smiling at me!! I got shortlisted in a few days time, I went for interview and got the offer after 1 day!! Hahaha.... feeling over the moon was what I feel!!! Even though it was not a perm position but the package is attractive and much better than what I will get in my new contract with my current company. Today, I took a day leave, planning to go for J2EE test by another company but was sick. Hence, I gave the technical test a miss but I still dragged myself to sign off my new contract! Even though I do not noe what my new job has in store for me but still I am looking forward to it!!! I really hope I will get the chance to travel in this new job!! I realize that entering the working force certainly has made me more mature but more troubles oso!! Haha… Actually, what really inspired me to work towards my goal to climb up the corporate ladder is the show “What a woman wants!” I think it’s a nice show and it definitely is encouraging!! Greed really motivates one but with a correct amount!! I also want to be like them, a successful career woman with countless of $ to spend!!! Haha…
brIghT & ch3eRy!! :D
Getting sick of the previous total pink background yesterday, I had chosen one that looks more pleasing to my eyes! Today's a great day for me coz I m feeling happy and relax!! I have taken off to stay at home and rest since its a well deserved leave granted and I shall make full use of my time. I had planned to wake up early today to go for a jog but couldnt make it as I slept late last nite! Most importantly, I was beaten by my laziness to get up!! haha... So its rise and shine for me after 10!! It has been such a long time that I got such luxury lazing on my bed!! Feeling refreshed, I get myself up for I have more important things to do that is to carry out my predefined tasks aligned for today! It started with the repair of my poor, overworked, dying aircon which has served me for over 5 years without complaints!! haah... as if I noe!! :P
Time juz flies past so fast that I realize its noon time and I hae yet to start my jobs application which is the main priority!!! I feel so much better and I have sorted out my thoughts and relooked my goals in life! I realized tat understanding others is tough but understanding myself is also a arduous task! I always tink I am a simple person who does not ask for much until last nite. While I was reading my own blog, I realized I have became a complaint queen! There seems to be so many unsatisfactory in my life and how unpleased I m with myself!! It seems like I am a character in my own story struggling to live, aiming for a better life but there are opposing forces goin against me!! Probably its myself, my own stubborness! Maybe I should change my values, thinking and get my head in the right place and I may start to enjoy life and find happiness!!! Recently, I have been watching a nice short film by Walt Disney which has a nice graphics, music, ..etc but more important is the encouraging and meaningful messages that it is trying to get across. Though its a cartoon but its underlying meaning is enlightening and one should really be optimistic and looks towards the brighter side of the world! The best part of the film was the phrase "Sometimes you are up, sometimes you are down. When you find that you are down, well just look around! You still got a body, good legs and fine feet, get your head in the right place and you are complete!!" So when I m down, I will recall this phrase and watch this short film over and over again and I feels so much better!!
So its kinda a brand new me and tomorrow shall be the starting point of my life where everyting shall change for the better! There is no past but sweet memories and a beautiful future lying ahead waiting for me. So here I am, on my way reaching for it!!! If I believe I can do it, I can!! So my dear frenz, what about your? Have u find your goals in life and or are you already ahead of me??!! That will be fantastic if u r! If not, you can start NOW!! Actually, its also kinda happy to noe that your family, frenz and colleagues feel happy around you. Though some of my frenz or colleagues will laughed at my craziness where I always talk nonsense and bullshit sometimes! However, its their laughter that I see that makes me happy too! Definitely, I m mentally fine, just that I feel tat life is kinda bored and mundane having to follow those stringent rules so when its time for fun then y should I be serious?!!! Of course, I divide clearly between my work and play! Hence, when I am working, I put all my efforts in and concentrate fully on it! The same applies when its fun time!! haha...
Hey u, yes u, stop turning around, u noe who I m talking about, "Mr humble" (O_^_O) , stop reading!! Thats privacy intrusion!! U hae yet to pay for the subscription fee! haha... :P
Anyway, I just wish that everything is fine for all!!
