Saturday, August 12, 2006

Self-Improvement...

Yeah, it has been quite a while since I blog. Months ago were like hell & heaven for me! Well, how shall I put it but anyway, it was fun, anguish, excitement, pride, satisfaction, mixed feelings.... Definitely, it has to do with my personal life & yesh as usual my career! Since I graduated 2 years ago, career has always been my main worry! I have been trying to get myself comfortable and happy with what I am doing and probably stability! However, it seems that my career path is as shaky as ever, always hit by rocks no matter how hard I try to avoid! Although I am still grumbling, moaning, upset with it, I have got used to it! Its not a good thing though and definitely I am looking for ways to improve my life! Stability was one thing I always look for in a career but I have never found it and through the past retrenchment that could probably still be ongoing now changed my views! There isnt anything that is constant, everything is everchanging, as an individual, I have to keep going, upgrading myself, move faster than the current before it swept me off my feet!

My existing work space is totally different from my previous one though its still as political as usual for almost all organization! In terms of job scope, I am exposed to more programming where I can get my rusty java, jsp brushed up and understanding the design and use of EJB and J2EE. Beside that, I can never run away from documentation and implementation & testing which I really detest! However, I did whatever I can to learn & hoping to gain more experience, seeing that my profile gets beautify to increase my market values. I try to tolerate people who are making things difficult whether it was deliberate or not and I am learning from past experience to handle people in a different way. Also, I have been telling myself not to be raged easily at the slightest provocation though I gave in to it once. Since then I have been reflecting myself and learning the right way to communicate, to have a more enjoyable working time.

I was really getting my satisfaction when one of my teammate was on honeymoon leave as I was trusted with the core modules of his tasks. I made full use of time to understand and resolved problems that cropped up! Longer working time doesnt matters to me even though I slogged & OT more than usual, the hard time spent was worth it and I totally feel energetic & engrossed with it! It was the harsher, tougher but most enjoyable & satisfied period spent! I always hope to be entrust with bigger responsibilities as I want a chance, an opportunity to prove my capability! I do not want to be an ordinary worker who just take up routine & mudane tasks! I want a more fulfilling life which I can look back and SMILE whenever I revisits the successful moments of my life! I am experiencing more setbacks and my goals seem to drift away from me the more i pursue them!

Now I feel kind of lost as I feel that I am not the core of my team, there isnt anything that I am in charge of particulary that I can call what is mine! However, I came to realize that its not about holding onto something but making sure that I am flexible and adaptable in everything in a vibrant environment right now. Sometimes, I feel that its the organization management style that makes one rigid and how one should be reacting and get themselves out of the sticky situation not blaming why was it like that! People only know how to grumble, point fingers easily at almost anyone, anything but not oneself!

Yesterday, I was angry, depressed & upset with myself. Why do I always fall into the victim situation! Being junior in the team was difficult, I feel as if my team mates are hard to handle, almost impossible to communicate! I was blamed for something which I feel unfair about but I cant do anything because he was senior, he is technically strong, as compared to me, he is the pillar of the team, the technical lead. As such, my leader "respected" him and do not clash with him for making things difficult with the technical lead as it is equivalent to landing himself in a pool of sticky mud! I was upset but I kept quiet and went off alone to let myself cool down. I know that rash & impulsive action will only make thing worst though I was filled with anguishment! I kept wonder why do I have to suffer in silence, why am I always the only one who always step on the nails, why why why! A lot of questions just rovered around my mind and kept me pondering!

Whenever I feel down, I compared myself with my peers and feel that life have been easy for them, troubles never look for them but me! My perspective changed after I cool down, I think its unfair but I never know what downs they have went through though I still take them as my competitors to push me forward. So yesterday, I picked up few self-improvement books and the one that I am reading is by Mark I. Rosen, "Thank you for being such a pain, spritual guidance for dealing difficult person". Though I had just read the 1st chapter, I gained alot. I understand that difficult people are what we perceived as when their actions, words make us feel uncomfortable! I do agreed that as different people have their own perspective, things that they do become inexplicable to us. Hence, disagreement & conflicts inevitably arise and our first impression was why did he or she always make things difficult for me. We should be looking at it at another angle and life will be different.

It changes my perspective and I do agreed that difficult people are teachers for us who pushed us through our resistance which we would fail to otherwise learn. We can actually see our flaws from them and remodel ourselves making us a better person. Currently, I take them as challenges post to me, to give myself the chance to understand, to reflect, to learn, to change to be a better person when I see myself in the mirror! A stubborn person who is resistant to change and firm with only their beliefs will not improve for he or she will remain status quo as he or she is now. Hopefully, my readers will gained from it too though I am not an author nor do I want to influence the thinking of individual but to get the message across on how to make yourself enjoy what is call real life!

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